Double Dutch claim surprising second International Championship
— IOC2 to
launch official investigation after allegations
of Tequila doping.
After a long and hard fought battle Double Dutch claimed victory in the 21st (mostalski1) Evergreen International Tournament. They accepted their medals from tournament founder Dennis (Bokke) Hoffman during the customary International Dinner attended by 75 rabid squashaholics, but even a rousing
rendition of Oh Canada (no one knows the Dutch anthem!) could dispel the pall of gloom cast by the allegations of blatant Tequila doping that doomed the sombrero clad Loco Lobbers to a staggering defeat. The IOC has announced an official enquiry that will, at the very least, require the Double Dutch team of Will Stiphout (C), Paul Austin, Iain Savill, Dave Bissell and Nick James to appear in person at next year's tournament and justify their remarkable capacity to absorb their opponents' best drops and national libation. Read on for details of all award winners.
Tournament Wrapby Darren Farnworth, IOC Draw Master
As always, the effort of the participants off the squash court (creating flags and costumes, preparing jokes, decorating tables and, of course, preparing such delicious food) overshadowed the performance on the court. Nevertheless, as happens every year, a few individuals chose a key moment to shine and managed to defeat opponents who, under normal circumstances, would crush them like bugs. There were four such instances in the round robin stage:
- Scott Sibley from the Isle of Bad Manners, in his third singles match in as many years, stunned the crowds on Friday night, beating Ab Troll from the Cinquo Squashitos.
- Bruce "Kim Jun" Jamieson from the Axes of Evil quietly took down Patrick Au from the Far East Saturday morning.
- Kaazem Motallebi from the Axes of Evil, who is both new to the tournament and the game, defeated Bob Bogue from the North Shore Natives.
- UK Reprobates' captain Graham Reddington destroyed the unsuspecting (and usually late) Peruvian Muchacho Brian MacLean, vaulting his team into a semi-final berth for the first time in recent memory.
As the pool games wound down, the last semi-final berth hinged on the last doubles match between the Bokke and Eurasia. The result created a three way tie in pool A but the North Shore Natives were given the nod due to their prowess at Table Tennis (and their ability to field a full team).
The semi-final match-ups had the North Shore Natives facing Double Dutch; while the Reprobates took on the Loco Lobbers.
On one side, the deciding match had Ron Bailey of the NS Natives meet (literally!) Iain Savill from Double Dutch on the singles court for the first time despite a combined 40+ years of Evergreen membership. It was astonishing to see these two long time Evergreeners introduce themselves before the match with no hint of sarcasm. Even more astounding was the crushing defeat Iain handed Ron.
Don Smerch and the Reprobates had a cunning plan to put the PORT back in SPORT. But while the wine was fortified, their play was not. The Sombrero clad Loco Lobbers charged ahead to meet the Dutch in the finals.
The first match of the finals had Tim Martin and Max Ripley face the Dutch powerhouse team of Nick James and Iain Savill. Tim and Max lost the first game in part due to Tim somehow forgetting that we were playing to 11 (despite having played this way in all previous matches). Max put the Loco Lobber team on his back in the second (in part because the opposition didn't dare hit the ball anywhere near Tim) and won the second. But Nick's supposedly rookie shots proved too much for them in the third.
Next up saw the Lobbers' Evan Gjernes face DD's Paul Austin. Paul battled valiantly but Evan, rejuvenated by an afternoon nap following an all night bender, proved too tough an opponent.
This left the Lobbers and DD tied one-all heading into the third and final match. Andrew Ripley and DD captain Will Stiphout started the match with a ceremonial shot of Tequila. The first game featured a spectacle of racquet throwing, rolling on the ground and rude gestures favouring Will's "nicks and rims" style of play. With Will up one to nothing the pressure was on for Andrew. Unfortunately he was ultimately defeated by his own Sombrero (and the Tequila), allowing Will to claim a well deserved second International Tournament Championship for Double Dutch. They last won in 2003.
The Really Important Awards! - THE BEST.
Main Course — Harry's Ribs
Family lawyers have been summonsed as unseemly
chauvinistic cheering from the rabble overpowered
Helen's Coq au Vin!
Appie — Peruvian Muchachos' Ceviche
Desert — Champagne Chick's Pavlova
New Flag — Cougar Country
They could have got best attire too,
but faded when the squash got tough!
Table Decoration — Champagne Chicks
Sparkling! - I mean - Fireworks!
Attire — Pharoah's Favourites
Black eyes shine through!
Joke — Charlie Bristow (Isle of Bad Manners)
Will someone please shoot the &%$%^ fox — or
maybe Charles?, either one will do — or both?!
Honourable mention to Steve Codrington who has probably
reignited the Parti Quebecois!
Polish Swim Team Joke — Brenda Withers (Champagne Chicks)
Even though she had to read it. Knows her colours though!
Table Tennis — The Bokke
But as usual they had to make up their own rules — and did!
Thanks to everyone who made the event a great success: The Sponsors — Dave Fenn of Howe Sound Brewing and Cathy Covernton of CC Squash; The "Evergreen Heavies" for keeping the Isle of Bad Manners in line (as in dinner line); Phil Beatty for a great Saturday pancake breakfast; the team chefs who all made such a great effort this year; Draw Master Darren Farnworth who, despite numerous bribes and threats of bodily harm, remained true to the IOC cause and manipulated the draw unmercifully, and, of course, the IOC members who undertook various chores which mostly included beer…Bob Bogue, Ron Bailey, Peter Haas, Brian MacLean, Andre Moore, Mark Stevens. And, if I have missed anyone, there's always next year!Cheers, Rex
PS - Despite numerous beer and wine thefts, we think the tournament actually made a profit. Can't be sure as the treasure has not been heard from since the tournament!
almost (approximate translation, Polish, specifically
Evergreeen Polish Swim Team dialect)
 The International Organizing Committee (IOC) consists of
Rex Armstead, Ron Bailey, Bob Bogue, Darren Farnworth, Peter Haas,
Brian Maclean, Andre Moore, Mark Stevens & Tim Martin.